Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
