My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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