C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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