the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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