remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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