I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We're too hungover to prance.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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