Me too!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
