I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
