he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
