i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
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Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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