so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
