hotel room ftw
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
