I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
