so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
