she looked like the before picture.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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