How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
