Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
zippers are such a cool invention
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
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I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
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I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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