Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
