my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
