Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
