She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
