All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
