how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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