first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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