Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
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I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He has the fingertips of a God
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