I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
This is classic penis vs brain.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
