life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
