i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Boobs are out for the taking
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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