there's paper in my vomit.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
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as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
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your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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