I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
