is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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