Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
