Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
