im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
