No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
