your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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