His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
