mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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