party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
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I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
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it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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