throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
