The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
