listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
