Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
