I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Boobs speak an international language.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..