need another drink. this is the easiest way
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
operation have a gay friend backfired
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.