Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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