I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
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shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
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I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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