I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
