i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
