sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
