Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
