I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
