my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
its not stalking. its research.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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