He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
