we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
