Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
