why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
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I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
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I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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