I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
