I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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