I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
