What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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