I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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