I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
